Double your money, double your revulsion

July 24, 2009 at 5:00 pm Leave a comment

Why do I insist on wasting money trying new flavors and brands of gum that are impressively marketed and packaged, but taste worse then the five day old dove carcass that I refuse to move from my back yard because I would be depriving some predator of chosen protein? If I tasted that carcass, I mean.

This time it was Extra Fruit Sensations Island Cooler. It wasn’t the pictures of pineapple, orange and some mango/watermelon-looking-fruit on the front that pulled me in,nor was it the promise of “long-lasting fruit flavor”-that prospect could be hellish if the flavor sucked- it was the 88 cent price tag with my Safeway club card. The time before that it was Orbit fruity-mint something. Let’s gets something straight-fruit and mint do not mix unless they’re in a mojito.

This is my second date with Extra. The first time it was some exotic flavor that tasted like Rye bread with caraway seeds. I kept chewing it, though, because after all, it is gum and I’ve adored the stuff ever since my first one cent piece of Bazooka.

If Razzles (another perennial fave) are the lobster of gum, Bazooka is the steak, because it tastes like gum should-pink. And I’d still be spending every day and night with Bazooka Joe if it wasn’t for the cavities and the manic effects of sugar that guild my hyperactive lily. I guess I’ll have my chance now that someone is making a movie about him.

The other classics do nothing for me. Dubble Bubble tastes like a cross between third world bubble gum and wax lips, (although you have to give them props for misspelling their name long before it was fashionable) and Bubblicious tastes too big-in the same way that those giant Stay-Puft marshmallows don’t quite have the concentrated flavor of the regular-sized ones.

I think I’ll stick to an occasional giant gum ball. I put in my quarter, twist my wrist off, and the ball falls to the floor, where I pick it up and put it in my mouth. They pick the color, they pick the flavor, and I feel like a typical American, paying out of my ass and working my ass off, only to have someone else make choices for me.

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And the swine just keep on infectin’ n’ killin’ Blog Break

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Roberta Gale

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