Don’t Play Pattycake with My Balls!

May 17, 2009 at 1:12 pm Leave a comment

I am SO all about meatballs. Yes, that phrase sounds pitiful coming from a 52-year-old woman, but it’s the most accurate way I could explain my extreme passion for round ground beef in some kind of sauce.

That’s round ground, not ground round, although you can use ground round to make your meatballs if you’d like. I’m not going to argue about what kind of meat to use, because I’m burned out from spending all last night stuffing myself with savory, perfectly shaped and sized, crock pot meatballs in barbecue sauce. And kids’ birthday cake, for which I staked my rightful claim by yelling “out of my way, you punks, I get a corner piece.” Since I’m older, I’m entitled to more frosting in the short time I have left.

Sorry, got sidetracked. Back to meatballs. The meatballs at the party were so good that I brought a bunch of them home, because the host and hostess were considerate enough to provide take home containers for everyone, and encourage them to take as much as they wanted. The containers were made of styrofoam, which can screw up the earth, leech toxic chemicals, damage the ozone, and clog landfills, but is yummy enough to be eaten when filled with delectable and free meatballs.

These meatballs were so amazing that I had some later that night, and the next morning, despite having to take Alka Seltzer* twice. When I microwaved the last meatball, it somehow bounced off of the counter and onto the floor. In the blink of eye, I grabbed the meatball and shoved it into my mouth, only seconds ahead of my dog, Jingo. I usually examine food that fell on the floor before I eat it-even I have my rules; no dead bugs or clumps of dog hair-but meatballs are the exception.

Small is not only preferable, it’s much tastier as well. The smaller the meatballs, the more surface area becomes exposed to the sauce, resulting in an intensely concentrated explosion of flavor.

How much surface area is available to be covered in my fave bbq sauce using the perfect meatball size of 1″ in diameter?; Let’s figure it out, shall we?
where p=pi (3.14)
and r=radius (.5 x diameter)


Yes, at great personal risk to myself and our country, I have decided to share the secret formula. Of course, now the world will end in a apocalyptic fury, but who cares about blood curdling screams and massive loss of life when you can pop a delish meatball into the melting flesh around your rapidly deteriorating jaw?

*My husband has demanded that the one product I cannot buy as a generic is Alka Seltzer, because once he opened a packet of Wal-Mart’s Equate Effervescent Tablets and claimed they didn’t fizz. I told him it was probably because the packet expired in 2005, but he thought it was due to its inferior ingredients.

Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

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Roberta Gale

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