Sorta Like a Woman

December 5, 2008 at 6:34 pm Leave a comment

I just had to take my generic “Tussin” expectorant from Walmart because I’m getting over a chest cold, and if I’m going to vomit anything out, I may as well make sure a bit of sputum comes along for the ride.

The sudden desire to expectorate seizes me every time I hear “I am green today, I chirp with joy like a cricket song” in that Dell commercial. The woman-as-little-girl shtick is way overplayed, and my only comfort is knowing that once a trend trickles down to the commercial world (like blogging!) it’s already over. The concept was pounded into my head forever by my older and revered sister, who once called me in a panic, screaming, “TAKE YOUR CRYSTAL NECKLACE OFF!” When I asked her why, she told me she just saw a woman selling healing crystals on QVC. The signal came though loud and clear. Once some obese woman living in in Iowa owns a piece of rose crystal like the one that was hanging around my neck to attract love, it was not only no longer cool, it was so uber uncool as to attract ridicule and public shame among my peers.

So back to the Dell ad featuring the “I’m-40-going-on-eight” voice. Ever since Lisa Loeb sing-songed “Stay” in 1994, there’s been an active contingent of female singer-songwriters who feel compelled to whisper through their insipid lyrics. And although I can’t deny that The Moldy Peaches’ Kimya Dawson had me singing along while watching Juno, the sound gets old real fast, simply because she doesn’t. My guess is they’re the children of the women who boffed Bob Dylan, inspiring him to write:

You fake just like a woman,
You make love just like a woman,
Then you ache just like a woman
But you break just like a little girl.

Isn’t that what all chicks are supposed to do? Be phony, screw, and act depressed like a bona fide adult female, but once the facade shatters like the chocolate dip on a Dairy Queen cone, melt onto the car seat?

It wasn’t difficult to find out who was responsible for the green song. A Google search for “I am green today” found 2,730 results, the majority wanting to know Who sings that song ‘I am Green Today’ on the Dell Commercial? And, unlike me, they weren’t asking because they thought it sucked.

It turns out the song was written and performed by Kira Willey, a woman who is described as a “mellower female Donovan” by someone working for one of those sites where people who don’t have the 0.16 seconds it took to do the search pay other people a quarter to do it for them. Willey specializes in children’s yoga songs, such as Dance for the Sun (“Sun salutation, dance for the sun. I can do it, you can do it, we can do a sun salutation.”) All in that breathy,quivering voice that should be reserved for kids under two, or someone who enjoys sexual infantilism. But toddlers don’t buy laptops in 60’s kitchen colors. Adults who want to be hip-who want to own the rose quartz that’s going to heal their longing for love-do.

All righty, then! Let’s put on our Gaiam 100% organic free-trade cotton yoga pants and sing along with me…I am green today…

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I am, Therefore I Buy Up with People Who Upchuck

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